I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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