Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
