she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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