Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
