I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
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I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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