just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
