So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
