she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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