Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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