alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
