I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
