I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Too much gin, very little bucket
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
