i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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