1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
