I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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