Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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