Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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