I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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