I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
