Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
