Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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