its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
