ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
