Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
