Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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