I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
