Soap is not a condiment
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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