My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
