A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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