I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
