My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.