So drunk its hurt
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
