Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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