i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
