She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
