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There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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