I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
