dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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