I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
