Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
