the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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