I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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