I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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