I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
