I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
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I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
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I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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