why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
