Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
