his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
