we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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