Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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