Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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