Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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