i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
