Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
