I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
