Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
