I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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