Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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