remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
