help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
