hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
