My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
