Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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