so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's rum buckets o'clock
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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