The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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